I have been procrastinating writing a new post since removing Fulcrum from social media accounts due to concerns over privacy changes and removal of DEIA programs. Since the election, there has been an unprecedented number of significant changes to nearly all aspects of our lives. Some of these policies will impact the health, welfare, and safety for many Americans. In situations such as this, a lot of folks might experience one or all three categories:
Depression. Shut down. Unable to process the situation fully. Actively avoid in response to feeling powerless. (Flight)
Anger. High emotional expression. Motivated by action. (Fight)
Anxiety. Fear, uncertainty. (Freeze)
My partner in life grew up in a Buddhist community, in the mountains of New Mexico. As you could imagine, I have been offered the suggestion of the “love and kindness” prayer on many occasions. I gratefully accepted the offer as a show of kindness and support however, I never felt “moved” enough to assign much importance to giving it a try. If I did try, I might’ve done it a couple times and dispatched the new habit before it could form or have any effect.
Before I go on, I will share the “love and kindness” prayer script.
First, you say:
May I be safe.
May I be healthy.
May I be happy.
May I live in peace no matter what I am given.
May my heart be filled with love and kindness.
Next you say it for someone you care for:
May ____be safe.
May ____be healthy.
May ____be happy.
May ____live in peace no matter what they are given.
May ____’s heart be filled with love and kindness.
Finally, you repeat this for someone you find challenging (or have anger toward):
May ____be safe.
May ____be healthy.
May ____be happy.
May ____live in peace no matter what they are given.
May ____’s heart be filled with love and kindness.
The word “prayer” may have adverse reactions for some though I would offer that this script is an affirmation, a vocalization of intention. It is for each individual to discern if this exercise fits with their personal beliefs or lifestyle.
As can often be the case with cPTSD survivors, I have a lifelong relationship with the “fight” response. Anger is useful if it moves you to take healthy action. If it does not find a path through action, it grows and sits in your body like an unwelcome guest, gradually turning you over and if it takes root, it can blind you from seeing opportunity for action or relief. The stronger the sense of powerlessness, the stronger the response.
Knowing my response pattern, I was able to predict the potential risk of unhealthy anger and create a plan to support staying in my skills to take healthy action. In brainstorming my options I considered increasing exercise, making intentional attempts to connect with others, and prioritizing joy (having fun). My partner again offered me the “love and kindness” prayer to which I had the “Grinch Who Stole Christmas” moment.
Call it desperation, but I found myself feeling like I needed an arsenal that included everything and the kitchen sink. Big anger needs to walk with a big self-care stick. I started the very next morning and have continued this practice for 108 days straight. While I was of the mindset that I would do almost anything if it meant I could be in charge of my anger, not the other way around, I still did not genuinely believe it would help. In fact, I said, “well, it takes very little time and it definitely can’t hurt but maybe it could help.” “Why not” isnt the strongest endorsement but that’s how I started this endeavor.
At first, I noticed how easy it was to say the first two parts of the prayer. It rolled out with ease and meaning. The third part was trickier. As I would say the words, I could feel my rebellious and disgruntled teenager mouth the words sloppily and without conviction. I might as well have been rolling my eyes. Still, I maintained my aim to complete it, even if I didn’t fully feel like the words were my own.
Around the 5th or 6th week, I began to notice a change occur. Instead of apathy, I noticed the tone remained consistent and the words became honest intentions.
The second change that occurred was a feeling of being “lighter.” I often reflect on what is left of the cumulative anger I collected over the years and while it no longer has authority in my day to day life, there are remnants that take space, even if dormant. Like a miner, I chip and chip away at it in the hope of ridding the old deposits that have no value to uncover what is far more precious resource, peace.
If I was to illustrate it visually, I would describe the remaining anger as an orange glowing ball with red flaming edges. I discovered, through doing this practice, that the color, intensity, and size of it decreased enough for me to take notice.
Research for decades have uncovered the significant power of language and intention. We, as a society, do not engage with the phenomenon as meaningfully as we could. Studies on meditation, mindfulness, or writing words on water have produced evidence of the transformative power of intention. And yet, I resisted it. I regarded it as trivial as a greeting card.
While this simple practice does not end or prevent suffering and anger, it has transformed my relationship with anger. It has added the needed balance in concert with the additional adjustments of self-care.
I find a lot of people are feeling powerless at this moment and are unsure of what to do to cope with these changes and the effects it will have on their circumstances. Aside from the routine skills/strategies we use to manage stress, maintain regulation, and create healthy relationships, we may need something new or “extra” to add to our toolbox. I thought I would offer this practice and my experience for whoever might find it useful and is looking for another strategy to manage difficult or intrusive emotions.
😉
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